TCS Daily

Make San Francisco the Leftwing Paradise It Hopes to Be

By James D. Miller - August 29, 2005 12:00 AM

San Francisco's city supervisors voted 8-3 against allowing the USS Iowa to become a tourist attraction in their city. The battleship saw action in WWII, Korea and the Persian Gulf. One supervisor voting against the USS Iowa complained about the military's treatment of homosexuals, another objected to America's involvement in Iraq and said "I am sad to say I am not proud of the history of the United States of America since the 1940s."

The vote against the USS Iowa shows that San Francisco is being treated unfairly by the U.S. military. Our military defends the people of San Francisco even though the city's elected leaders want nothing to do with the military. All Americans should be horrified that the good leftists of San Francisco must suffer the crushing moral burden of being protected by a force their leaders so despise. I therefore propose that the U.S. armed forces withdraw their protection of San Francisco.

The U.S. military should announce that they will not retaliate against any military or terrorist attack that occurs in San Francisco so long as the attack is completely confined to this city.

A problem with the U.S. military's withdrawal from San Francisco would be that terrorists might infiltrate the city and then use it as a base to spread terrorism to other parts of the U.S. I therefore propose that the entire city of San Francisco be surrounded by an enormous fence. The U.S. would make no effort to keep terrorists out of San Francisco, but anyone wishing to exit the fenced city would have to prove themselves a legal resident of the U.S.

The political left frequently complains about the treatment of enemy combatants held by the U.S. military. After San Francisco is fenced off, we could empty our prisons at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base by moving all its involuntary inhabitants to San Francisco. The people of San Francisco would then get to enjoy the multicultural experience of having these so-called terrorists in The Tenderloin, North Beach, Pacific Heights, The Haight and Union Square.

Currently, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit has jurisdiction over San Francisco and many other areas. It's unfair to the people of San Francisco, however, that some of the judges on the Ninth Circuit are not as progressive as their board of supervisors. I therefore suggest that the Ninth Circuit be split in two with one part given authority over just San Francisco. The most leftwing judges in the country should be immediately transferred to this San Francisco Appeals court. I suspect that this court would quickly enact many progressive legal reforms such as abolishing prisons in favor of sentencing criminals to mandatory re-education diversity chanting programs. It would benefit the whole nation to see how a city placed under the control of the judicial left would fare.

The people of San Francisco are passionate environmentalists. The latest environmentalist proposal is to "re-wild" parts of North America by re-introducing elephants and lions into the environment. After San Francisco is fenced in, it will become the perfect place to test re-wilding. What better way for the leftists in San Francisco to experience the beauty of nature then for them to have hundreds of lions and elephants roaming Golden Gate Park?

James D. Miller writes The Game Theorist column for TCS and is the author of Game Theory at Work.


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