TCS Daily


"Come Closer, Let's Talk"

By Douglas Kern - May 24, 2006 12:00 AM

(Starring the voices of Will Ferrell as America, and Jon Lovitz as Iran)

America: We hereby declare ourselves open to discussions with Iran.

Iran: Excellent. Hey, America...why don't you come a little closer?

America: All right. Is this close enough?

Iran: Perfect.

America: Now, the first matter on our agenda is AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH! I'm crippled by indescribable agony! Why did you do that?

Iran: Do what?

America: You... you just kicked me in the crotch!

Iran: That's one interpretation of events, but History will be the true judge.

America: I can't negotiate with people who kick me in the crotch!

Iran: Surely, America -- the modern colossus, the new Rome, the sole superpower -- can stand to be kicked in the crotch once in a while. Surely, American magnanimity can allow a humble upstart nation a single, one-shot kick to the groin.

America: Well, okay, but promise not to do it again.

Iran: I promise. Come a little closer, why don't you?

America: All right. Now, turning to the AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! My...God! It burns! It burns with the heat of a thousand suns frying my innards! You broke your promise!

Iran: We understood our promise to be hortatory, rather than binding.

America: You intended to do that!

Iran: Let us discuss your hostility at greater length. Come a little closer.

America: No chance! You'll just kick me in the crotch again!

Iran: Perhaps we can resolve this dilemma through bilateral talks. We will put questions of international security on one track, and your grievance over being kicked in the crotch on another track.

America: Well, that sounds reasonable. I'm sure that we can work out some kind of AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Oh, the mind-bending, excruciating horror! It's like a pair of ravenous earthworms are burrowing tunnels of agony in my lower abdomen! In the name of God, why?

Iran: It was a bizarre, freakish accident.

America: No, it wasn't! The best-selling book in your country is "Protocols of the Elders of Kicking America in the Crotch!" You've given dozens if not hundreds of speeches on the religious necessity of planting your foot in America's gonads! You gave a presentation at the last International Islamic Conference on "Kicking America in the Crotch: Strategic and Economic Considerations!" This was no accident!

Iran: Oh, pish-tosh. Surely you realize that we espouse that kind of rabid pro-crotch-kicking rhetoric to appease the crotch-kicking masses? We may seem like deranged religious fanatics in public, but in private we're humane, civilized men who enjoy fine literature, good music, and the occasional stoning of homosexuals and liberal dissidents. We all want the same things: peace, prosperity, a cessation of hunger and want, total submission of the world to the teachings of Allah...

America: We don't want that!

Iran: Whatever. You mustn't assume that we actually want to kick you in the crotch, just because we say so constantly. Saying that "We're going to kick America in the crotch" is just a pro forma bit of political boilerplate, like "It's not an amnesty program," or "Israel must be driven into the sea." Now come a little closer.

America: Well, it's understandable that foreign cultures might construe certain kinds of rhetorical excess to be AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH! I just can't bear the searing pain! I think you've sterilized me! You've literally destroyed my ability to sire children with that hateful kick! You leave me with no choice but to refer you to the United Nations Commission for the Prevention of Kicking Nations in the Crotch!

Iran: Need I remind you that Iran holds the rotating chair of the United Nations Commission for the Prevention of Kicking Nations in the Crotch? In any event, your complaints are counter-productive. Do you intend to alienate the liberal anti-crotch-kicking elements in the Iranian government? Realize: if you break off our conversation now, you will embolden those elements of the Iranian government who insist that kicking America in the crotch represents a valid foreign policy strategy. But if you continue your negotiations, you will send the unmistakable signal that crotch-kicking can neither provoke conflict nor deter our pursuit of non-violent solutions to our mutual problems. You don't want to abandon your anti-crotch-kicking allies, do you? Come a little closer.

America: Well, America always tries to align itself with moderate AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! My reproductive organs are in my throat! I long for the sweet release from my torment that only precious death can bring me!

Iran: I didn't kick you. Syria did.

America: That's preposterous! Syria is standing way over there!

Iran: And yet you can't say that for certain, can you? Are you relying on faulty intelligence? Has your precious CIA accused Iran in order to appease the current administration? You have no evidence whatsoever to indicate that we possess weapons of mass crotch-kicking.

America: But you're wearing heavy steel-toed boots that have the words "Official America Crotch-Kicking Boots" stenciled on them. And you've been lacing them ever since we began this discussion.

Iran: We have legitimate non-offensive needs for these boots.

America: Like what?

Iran: Well, like getting an effective lower-body workout! One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four -- feel that quadriceps burn! And we have security needs, too. Why, suppose we gave up these boots, and then South America invaded us one day. "Oh, whatever shall we do?" we would cry. "We don't have any heavy boots with which to kick American nations in the crotch!" And then those horrible Costa Ricans would conquer us all. Is that the fate you have in mind for us? Come a little closer.

America: I suppose we can't jump to unwarranted conclusions about the efforts of a sovereign nation to defend itself from AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! My entire soul is wrapped in a cocoon of endless, monstrous, consciousness-carving pain! I won't negotiate with you any more! It's clear that you intend to stall me until you've got your crotch-kicking boots entirely laced, at which point you will kick me in the crotch without even the pretense of diplomatic conversation!

Iran: You've been reading those awful right-wing blogs again. "Can't trust Iran! Can't let anyone else have crotch-kicking boots!" Those same fools mired you in the Iraqi quagmire. Why trust them? Apart from eliminating a massive terrorist training ground, removing a WMD threat, ending totalitarian genocide, reducing dependence on Saudi Arabia, terrifying the world's tyrants, and creating the first functioning democracy in the Arab world, what have you accomplished in Iraq? Nothing! So why should you believe those war-mongering chicken-crotch-hawks when they accuse Iran of wanton crotch-kicking?

America: We are rather unhappy with the neo-cons lately. Perhaps we're victims of an excessively paranoid, suspicious mindset that is all too determined to find monsters and AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! My pain is the Hindenburg zeppelin, exploding in a paroxysm of hydrogen gas and God's righteous fury! You did it to me again! And you're going to keep doing it to me! You're going to kick me right in the family jewels and I'm going to scream like a little girl, and then you'll make some inane argument that I don't really believe, but because I'm naïve and idealistic I'll come closer to you every time you ask me to do so, and the whole thing will happen again! I don't know why I ever talked to you in the first place.

Iran: You talk to me because you don't have a choice. What are you going to do, America? Fight me? If you meant to respond to my crotch-kicking with force, you would have already punched me in the face. Ignore me? You can't ignore a man who's lacing his steel-toed crotch-kicking boots in your presence. And even if you do ignore me, pretty soon I'll kick your scrawny friends in the crotch and then you'll have to pay attention. No, there's only one option you can stomach, and that's talking. Come a little closer.

America: We're only talking to you because we're strong enough to give peace a chance. And if you keep kicking us in the crotch, the whole world will see you for what you are: a dirty no-good crotch-kicker!

Iran: We hope they do! We took out ads in USA Today. "Iran: We'll Kick Everyone in the Crotch." It's a really snazzy spread. Do you like the font? It's called "Zion-Stomper Serif."

America: We won't negotiate out of weakness. If you kick us in the crotch again, we'll...we'll get right up in your face and tell you to stop!

Iran: And what if I tell you we won't stop?

America: Then I'll have no choice but to put my nose right against your nose and gesticulate wildly and use a loud tone of voice and AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! Pain too great.... losing.... consciousness...

Iran: Healing begins with communication. We're glad we had this little chat. But really, America, it's just sad how you guys cry and whimper when we kick you in the crotch. We kick the French and Germans in the crotch all the time, and they don't complain.

America: The French...and Germans....don't.....have....testicles!

Douglas Kern is a TCS contributing writer and a lawyer living in Virginia.

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