WASHINGTON (SatireNewsService) -- Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT), flanked by former Senator Zell Miller (D-GA), Senator John Kerry (D-MA), Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and other Democratic leaders announced today that the long awaited Democrat plan for victory in the 2006 Congressional elections had been completed.
Holding aloft a thick binder entitled Muscular Democrats -- A Comprehensive Plan for Something Other Than Moral Victory, Lieberman said, "this plan pulls Democrats back from the precipice of treason onto the solid ground of loyalty that America's opposition parties have always occupied during times of war."
"Just as Republicans united behind Democrats in the world wars and Democrats and Republicans united together to defeat Communism in the Cold War, we will join Republicans to defeat Islamo-fascism and help ensure the security of Americans," said Lieberman.
Kerry added: "Our plan will assure every American that this election will be decided almost exclusively or at least primarily on domestic issues and to a lesser, but still significant extent, on the tactical elements of America's foreign and security policy. These are areas where we Democrats have historically said -- and may, during this important election season, potentially, or at least theoretically, and at the very worst hypothetically, have something important or perhaps new or different or possibly unusual or thought-provoking or influential or even exciting, and always in a very pro-American and patriotic way, and also, let me assure you as strongly as possible on this point, in a brawny, manly and certainly non-flip-floppy way, notwithstanding the attempts of our political opponents to say otherwise -- to say."
Former Senator Miller offered something of a promise: "By following this plan, we Democrats will no longer be weak-kneed, near-treasonous, dimwitted clodpoles when dealing with murderous foreign enemies. We will end our petty opposition to missile defense; stop our lickspittle toadying to Jew-hating, pointy-headed, so-called intellectuals; and join with the President in his decision to fight the fascistic enemies of our civilization on their shores rather than ours."
And in a purgative note, Miller added: "We're also going to ditch all those supercilious twerps from our party like Michael Moore, MoveOn.Org, George Soros and Daily Kos. And we don't have much use for Cindy Sheehan, those Benedict Arnolds in the State Department or pipsqueaks like Ned Lamont or Jimmy Carter."
Lieberman went on to extol coalition partners in the war on terror.
"We Democrats will embrace America's true allies such as Britain, Australia, Japan, Poland, Italy, India and the new Canada among many others," said Lieberman. "We will support those valiant Iraqis and other moderate Muslims who courageously condemn acts of terror by their false co-religionists. We will again, as in the glory days of our party, support Israel's efforts to defend itself against berserk terrorists who hide behind women and children."
"Equally important," said Miller, "we Democrats are calling on that bunch of impotent gasbags at the U.N. to quit acting like spoiled teenagers and start helping to shore up the civilized world."
The plan includes a large appendix of selected speeches by deceased Democrat politicians such as presidents Truman, Roosevelt and Kennedy and senators Henry ("Scoop") Jackson (D-WA), Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY) and Hubert Humphrey (D-MN) among others.
"These giants have always represented the real Democratic Party," said Lieberman, "somehow, without them, we have lost our way." The appendix includes only one speech from a living Democrat, Senator Miller's speech to the 2004 Republican National Convention.
"Reading my late brother's speeches for the first time has brought me to tears," said a visibly weeping Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA). "He knew how to win against implacable enemies. Now I know that I have been wrong these past four decades about the U.S. military, about the Arab-Israel conflict, about anti-missile defense, about the nature of American democracy, about the risks of over-dramatizing America's faults while playing down the evils of our enemies, about tax cuts and economic growth, about so very, very many things. . . ."
Reactions to the announcement of the plan were mixed. A previously unknown monastery in Nepal issued a statement on its website that claimed to be made on behalf of recently deposed Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean. It read: "This plan doesn't matter to me at all. I've become a monk and taken a vow of silence for the next ten years."
The White House refused to comment on the plan. However, an obviously shaken Karl Rove was found by reporters early this morning at an all-night coffee shop in suburban Maryland. Seated before an ashtray over-flowing with half-smoked Camels and a large empty pocket flask, he was seen poring over a tattered and heavily marked-up copy of the binder repeatedly muttering "now what do we do?"Bill Smith is a lawyer and writer living in California.