TCS Daily


The Angina Monologues

By William S. Smith - September 13, 2006 12:00 AM

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (SATIRENEWSSERVICE) -- "How do we force women to wear burkhas? Torture their children if they don't! How do we clear a mine field in war? Promise thirteen year old boys they'll go to heaven if they get blown up! Why don't we have enough money to help earthquake victims in Bam or build safer buildings in Tehran? Because we're sending so much money to terrorists in Lebanon! Who are the most evil people in the world? The Jews, followed closely by the Americans! How do we punish a retarded girl who has sex before marriage? Hang her from a scaffold, of course."

These and other rapid-fire jokes were part of this week's wildly successful comedy routine entitled "Tolerance in the Age of Violence" performed by former Iranian President Muhammed Khatami at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government. Khatami's witticisms were more than welcome entertainment for an enthralled and receptive audience of both the Harvard professoriate and student body. According to acting President Derek Bok, Khatami's show represents "another step in our continuing efforts to make Harvard into one of the great comic institutions in America."

To accomplish this ambitious goal in the high stakes world of educational burlesque, America's oldest university has inaugurated a vast new program titled "Nuttiness in the Age of Zealotry, Intolerance and Subjugation" dedicated to bringing to its campus a broad range of comic geniuses who have exhibited the same attitude as Khatami toward women, gays, ethnic minorities, Jews, Baha'is, secularists, Kurds or Americans.

The Nuttiness Project will feature the comedic turns of top humorists in the genre such as David Duke and Cynthia McKinney as well as the acknowledged comic geniuses of the Harvard Arts and Sciences faculty performing their revue on disinvestment in Israel. Other greats in the field who will perform at Harvard include world leaders such as Bashar Assad who will do his skit "Hama or How My Father Solved the Muslim Brotherhood Problem", Mahmoud Amadinejad in his world record breaking tour "Nuclear War for the Religion of Peace" and Kim Jong Il's old shtick "Freedom to Want, Freedom to Fear."

"Our new program will make up the ground we lost last year to Yale," said Bok referring to the side-splitting action of Harvard's Ivy League competitor in enrolling a Taliban spokesman as an undergraduate while banning the U.S. Army from its campus. "Yale's move was comedic brilliance at a very high level," said Bok.

But Harvard has also had its moments.

"The Summers affair helped us," said Bok referring to the hilarious sacking of the former University President by the Arts and Sciences faculty for daring to suggest that men and women may have biological differences in brain development and aptitudes. "And Stephen Walt has helped a lot with his hysterical book about the Israeli lobby. But we need to do more to keep up with the tremendous competition."

Bok explained that the players in America's Academic Follies competition have never been stronger. "Why look, the University of Colorado hired a fake Indian to accuse the victims of 9/11 of being 'Little Eichmanns' -- that is undeniable comic genius. Brigham Young University has a fellow who asserts that the U.S. Government knocked down the twin towers -- and there are numerous other young comedian-professors called Scholars for Truth who are working that trope to great effect. The University of Michigan has Juan Cole and his amazing middle-eastern conspiracy theories. Each of those routines has gotten belly laughs. Harvard has to work hard to keep up with that kind of talent. And then, of course, there is perennial leader, MIT."

MIT has been at the top of academic buffoonery for years due almost solely to the colossal comedic output of its resident Jester-in-Chief, Noam Chomsky.

Harvard's Bok acknowledges that along with Harvard's successes, it has also had its comic reputation tarnished in recent years. "Larry Summers did our program a great disservice by insisting that Cornell West quit writing rap music and go back to teaching. We lost West to Princeton, and thus the prize. Summers also brought back the ROTC -- during a war no less! And our most visible public intellectual, Alan Dershowitz, often provides far too much serious thinking on important topics. But we are improving. And with the help of our Faculty of Arts and Sciences -- we expect to become, yet again, America's leading academic farce."

Bill Smith is a lawyer and satirist living in California.

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7 Comments

Propaganda against a country is first step toward physical aggression
The lies, distortions, and hypocrisy directed towards the people of Iraq before we attacked are being now directed at the people of Iran.

Laugh it up, the cost will be thousands of American soldiers killed and 100s of thousands of Iranians.

Why? Because the Christian and Jewish Zionists want more blood on their hands in their efforts to defeat the enemies of the Jewish ethno State.

Speaking of lies
It's a lie to say that there were lies and hypocrisy directed against Iraq.

Zombie Response
This response starts with a false and sweeping indictment and gets worse from there...get it right, Adolph, nobody is directing "lies, distortions, and hypocrisy" "towards the people of Iraq".

What a vacant piece of brainwashed antisemitic logorrhea.

The Ianian head of state advocates the destruction of Israel (aka the "Jewish ethno State") and they should just sit there an accept it.

Stupid little zombie.




Your BS
invites physical aggression.

Mono
Ms. Jill, your point being what? Just venting or do you have some proof. You and LiberalGoodman and the rest take things out of context. You ignore what Iran says and does as lies from the Great Satan to show what a wonderful pure person you are. Plus of course, it leads to better grades and better jobs, than one might strictly merit.

A brave individual
An anti-semite bigot unafraid to speak up.

Oh, wait, that is the left agenda, not so brave after all.

In Satira Veritas...
What a wonderful description of truth. The satire and humor are nice, but it could also have been written as a straight op-ed.

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