TCS Daily


Fantasy Island

By William S. Smith - January 26, 2007 12:00 AM

SAINT HELENA, UK (SatireNewsService) -- Tyrants exiled to this rocky south Atlantic island do not simply retire with terrified members of their retinue and large portions of their vast, ill-gotten gains. Rather they enjoy their golden years by playing United Nations sponsored, on-line games that simulate the lives they wanted to live in their third-world hell-holes.

The U.N.'s Saint Helena International Tyrants project is known as "The Project" due to its unfortunate acronym. It was created following the recent reorientation of the U.N.'s mission from the support of dictatorial governments and the advancement of human oppression and misery to the pursuit of projects and actions that advance human rights and democratic governance.

Perhaps the most unusual of the U.N. reforms was the creation of The Project to house psychopathic, homicidal former dictators who managed to avoid ouster and execution by cutting deals with western powers and their own, outraged citizens. The Project allows the former dictators to maintain palaces on St. Helena and create virtual lives using their vast, concealed slush funds.

"I can't think of a better use for the staggering amount of money these guys stole from their starving countrymen and western taxpayers," said The Project's Assistant Director of Leisure-Time Activities, Kofi Annan. "These gigantic mountains of cash stashed in the banking havens of secretive, dictator-supporting nations will now go to building the self-esteem of the tyrants without wrecking their countries.

"Leisure activities here," continued Annan, "include frequent visits by ingratiating western professors, sycophantic Congressmen, admiring news organizations and former President Jimmy Carter. But the best activities are specially designed, one-of-a-kind, online games that allow the dictators to simulate their fondest dreams of conquest, terror and genocide."

"The games are a great way to keep these guys engaged in life," said Dr. Hildegaard B. Herrscht, M.D., M.F.T., Ph. D, author of the ground-breaking book "Psycho-Genocide: The Indispensable Role of the U.N. in Facilitating the Attainment of National Leadership Positions by Homicidal, Sociopathic Personalities, 1945-2006. Dr. Herrscht oversees the Project's psychiatric ward and security arrangements.

"These fellows are not the types who simply want to play golf and enjoy their families," said Dr. Herrscht, "for them, retirement is active. They retain all the normal human desires for mass murder, subjugation, humiliation and torture as well as for the rapt idolatry of western intellectuals, Hollywood stars and media organizations to which they had become so accustomed. The Project provides all that and these games are perfect modes of adaptive therapy."

One recently deposed dictator, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, formerly of the country now known as Proud, Peaceful and Profoundly Prosperous Persia, showed off his game to visiting reporters. "See here," he said, pointing to a wall-sized computer screen revealing a map of the United States. "I just push this button on the keyboard and poof, the whole U.S. is incinerated by a thousand nuclear bombs and this other button here wipes out all the Jews and this special button here cleans out all those whiney sub-humans in Western Europe and finally, this other really extra-special button here wipes out all the Sunni Apostates!"

Dr. Herrscht explained that while Mr. Ahmadinejad enjoys "nuking" Paris, London, New York, Tel Aviv, Cairo, Riyadh and other cities several times per day, he is actually an extremely sophisticated player of the game Iranian Immolator Imam.

"We've put our very best player, Pejman Abidi, against Mahmoud yet Mahmoud always seems to win," said Dr. Herrscht. "Every time young Pejman tries to clean up an Iranian city after a major earthquake or help a fledgling human rights movement or save women from being murdered by their honor-obsessed fathers and uncles or use Iran's oil money to help Iranians rather than fund foreign suicide bombers, Mahmoud simply crushes him."

Abidi, the 16 year old son of Iranian refugees, is a sophomore at Cyrus the Great High School in Irvine, California and a game-software writer for the Project.

"If you look at the underlying code of Immolator," said Abidi, "it's actually designed to give the challenger a tremendous advantage. I have the covert backing of almost all of the Iranian people as well as the military might of the U.S.A. and the support of every single non-psychotic person in the whole wide world. We programmed the game so that Mr. Ahmadeinejad just has his regime, a majority of State Department bureaucrats, the "news" media, the President of France and the Middle-East studies departments at the top one hundred western universities. You'd think I would win once in awhile but the guy has wiped me out fifteen times in a row!"

Other St Helena residents who enjoy on-line games include:

  • former Cuban leader Fidel Castro playing against Elian Gonzalez of Benny Moret High School in the game Cuba's Cavorting Caligula - a game Mr. Castro has yet to lose though he has not entered any instructions in nearly three months;

  • former President Jiang Zemin of China playing against Jung Chang of Sun Yat Sen High School in the game Taiwan/Tibet Terror Twostep;

  • former Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez playing against Josue Montoya of Hernando de Soto High School in the game Castro's Cookoo Copycat Communist; and,

  • former North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il playing against Matthew Ridgeway Lee of Douglas MacArthur High School in the game Trailer Park, Porno Ring, Destructo Man.

Bill Smith is a writer living in California.


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1 Comment

To steal the "catch phrase" from the current Guinness ads:
"Brilliant".

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