TCS Daily


Ahmadinejad Seeks Asylum in U.S.!

By William S. Smith - March 2, 2007 12:00 AM

NEW YORK (SatireNewsService) -- In a stunning development that has roiled the delicate Iranian-U.N. nuclear negotiations, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has sought and been granted political asylum in the United States. Ahmadinejad's defection followed a wide-ranging, two hour speech to the United Nations General Assembly in which the Iranian leader lauded Persian history, endorsed universal human rights, welcomed the "religious diversity that Christians, Jews and Zoroastrians among many others have historically brought to the people of Iran," and rejected what he called "the cruel, repulsive, crabbed, angry, life-denying, misogynistic, ethnocentric, impoverishing, brutal, belligerent, destructive and hate-filled Islam imposed on our beloved land - and the world - by the Atrocious Ayatollahs."

Ahmadinejad began his remarkable speech by pointing to a large clay cylinder which had been brought into the General Assembly chamber from the main lobby of the U.N. building. The cylinder is inscribed with the ancient Charter of Human Rights promulgated by Cyrus the Great (580-529 BC), Emperor of Persia. It represents the first known statement by any government recognizing what amounts to the rights to liberty, security, freedom of movement and private ownership of property. A replica of the original - which is in the British Museum - was given to the United Nations in 1998.

"This profound historical document," stated Ahmadinejad, "is my country's equivalent of the Magna Carta and the Bill of Rights. It acknowledges the many liberties that all humans, regardless of faith, class or place of birth - even if they are Jews! - should enjoy. It teaches the same lessons that America's founding fathers attempted to teach the world: that liberty is the great birthright and tolerance of 'the other' regardless of religion, ethnicity, class or status the great gift of love that God has granted to man. The Charter implicitly acknowledges that many faiths, beliefs and lifestyles, including no faith, may be embraced - so long as they do not lead to violence and hatred."

Ahmadinejad continued: "This document should be the starting point for all governments - including the current bizarre government of Iran. Simply put, our Malevolent Mullahs have failed to provide these basic rights and consequently, have made the lives of Iranians miserable, poor, nasty, brutish and short."

Ahmadinejad was also harshly critical of the Mullahs' rulings on religion. "Our Malicious Mullahs have scorned the religious freedom and political pluralism that could be Iran's greatest legacy. Ancient Persia gave the world monotheism and even Persian Islam once had room for diversity. Al Ghazali's treatises gave us Sufiism which is mystical and almost Christ-like in the allegorical nature of its teaching. The poetry of our most famous poet, Rumi, built on that amazing legacy."

Ahmadinejad also praised Persian philosophers and poets stating that Iran's leaders have all but driven from the country's libraries the works of renown Persian philosophers such as Avicenna and poets such as Omar Khayyam. "Omar gave us the explicit permission to enjoy our romantic and sensual natures - 'a jug of wine a book of verse and thou beside me in the wilderness is paradise enough'. Who among our Molesting Mullahs would endorse that kind of joyfulness - except with the more brutal, selected Koranic verses, their pre-pubescent 'brides' and non-alcoholic wine!"

Ahmadinejad stated that he chose the United States as his future home because of its religious freedom, its equal rights for women, its embrace of many cultures, the opportunities offered to all ethnicities and its willingness to back its words with actions. "The only other country I considered," he stated, "is Israel. But frankly that place is just too damned close to those Menacing Mullahs and their atomic weapons factories." Asked if he had considered a European country, Ahmadinejad responded: "Tu me prend pour un imb├ęcile?"

Reactions to Ahmadinejad's speech were immediate and dramatic. U.S. President George W. Bush, who learned the news while jogging with members of the White House Press Corps, was caught on tape without his usual script saying, "Ahmadinejad's speech would appear to embrace a sophisticated combination of Durkheim's view of religion as a system of actions aimed at making then perpetually remaking the soul of the collectivity and of the individual, with Strauss's view that a benevolent religion such as current-day Christianity - or even Islam as it may be interpreted by less Manichean followers - is necessary to provide a common template for the multiplicity of complex human interactions that perforce take place outside the purview of the formal legal system within a large, peaceful and ordered society."

The White House later issued an amended transcript of the President's comments that read: "Hey, old Ammo sounded like he's changed - seems to embrace Judeo-Christian-like ideals, separation of church and state, not blowing to bits people he doesn't like for no good reason - that sort of thing; that's real good to hear, real good."

On a more critical note, former Iranian President Muhammed Khatami, traveling in the United States and Western Europe following his wildly successful comedy tour at Harvard (see http://www.tcsdaily.com/article.aspx?id=091306F ) said, "So Ahmadinejad has defected. Do we need any more proof that the Jews control the world?"

And the Chairman of Iran's Council of Mullahs, the Ayatollah Jannati, added ominously, "perhaps a taste of fatwa will straighten out our little friend."


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3 Comments

Why?
Why do you keep writing these? So Ahmadinejad is a nut. We all get it. Why fan the flames of unreason and intolerance?

I firmly suggest that everyone who reads this stop by Reza's in Chicago and see which you enjoy more... this article or the kebab's and base your world view on that.

asylum
Funny satire article, but still, there's a lot to it. In fact, there have been many instances of anti-american hypocritical crackpots seeking sylum in the US. Two examples that readily come to mind are Sochenitzyn and Berthold break, till they defected to the Soviets and EAST Germany respectivley.

funny
that part about religious diversity that Christians, Jews and Zoroastrians among many others have historically brought to the people of Iran, was a great touch. If you hadn't cuaght on it was Satire by then that was the give away. The universal rights stuff had my sides hurting.

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