Articles by Douglas Kern

Knut Rock Me

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at the meeting where the German environmentalists declared the fatwa against the baby polar bear. "So, Helmut, what was wrong with my 'Kick a Puppy to Eliminate Air... Read More

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Anna Nicole Smith?

Perhaps you've been shaking your head in befuddlement at the interminable tawdry court proceedings that have taken over your favorite cable news channel. Perhaps you've wondered to yourself: "Who is this odd, dead, clownish blonde woman whose ghost has... Read More

Sexile on Main Street

I don't want to sound soft on sex offenders, but... There's no particularly good way to end that sentence, is there? It's hard to maintain your street cred as a die-hard law-and-order bad-guy-bashing conservative when you allow your little... Read More

All I Want for Christmas...

Recently I read that in Austria and some Latin American countries, the bringer of gifts at Christmas is not Santa Claus, but rather the Christ Child. I like our way better. The notion of the Christ Child as the... Read More

Zombies Always Win

The zombies always win. That's why they're the scariest monsters of all. What you are, the dead were; what the dead are, you will be. Look at the bones and the rot and realize: you're looking at yourself. Death eats... Read More

The Problem of Saints, The Hope of Freedom

"Yet this much we know with certainty: The desire for freedom resides in every human heart. And that desire cannot be contained forever by prison walls, or martial laws, or secret police. Over time, and across the Earth, freedom will... Read More

"To Hulk With Them" Conservatives

I have found the solution to all our problems in Iraq, and his name is Saddam Hussein. He's tanned, rested, and ready. He's got a plan to restore order in Iraq. He knows how to deal with insurgents. He's got... Read More

The GOP: Drinking Itself Sober

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned: I have succumbed to the Three Deadly Republican Spending Rationalizations. I'm not alone, you know -- seems that legions of congressional Republicans have joined me in my shame. I'm old enough to remember... Read More

When Superman Shrugs

If you were Superman, you'd flee the earth, too. In the new Superman movie, we learn that Superman has been missing for five years, having left our planet to explore the ruins of his home planet of Krypton. It's a... Read More

Is Persuasion Possible?

Dear Obscure Conservative Legal Guy: What does a conservative have to do to engage the culture in a substantive argument? I'm a senior editor at a major conservative magazine, and I've just written a book, The Party of Death, that... Read More

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